I have sat down a million times to write this letter today. I have deleted and started over. I can’t do it. I’m just tired. My heart was just broke all day. Today was tougher than any other birthday. Seven. How did we not get to see seven? Not 97. Just 7. This will never make sense to me, and will crush me forever. Today was just tough.
But then Melina I remembered no matter how hard today is I have a choice. Today I didn’t Choose Joy my heart just couldn’t. Today I chose You. Your sister, who has struggled more this year, asked me to come to her book fair. I didn’t want to do this. I didn’t want to pretend that today was okay. But I did it. She needed me and I know you would not have had it any other way.
It was then when I walked into the school. And there you were. Everywhere. All over the walls. All over the windows Even the Christmas tree. And even the most beautiful staff who hugged me despite my tears and wished you a happy birthday.
I went down to the book fair. And there was your sister smiling away. And for a moment I knew you were proud. You make me better. You shouldn’t have too, but you do. You remind me that I can dig deeper than I ever thought I could.
As the day went on I struggled. I got irritable and I got that angry feeling. Seven. It’s just seven. Why couldn’t I have seven? And then I got a video of your best friend singing to you. And all I could think is that beautiful family fights to keep you alive. And I checked my phone. And there you were everywhere. I mean everywhere. The candles, the messages, the tributes, and I realized my anger is so small compared to YOU.
You move mountains. You always did and you always will. You will always be one of my greatest gifts. You are my perfect strawberry blonde. But you are so much more powerful than I will ever understand. So give me grace sometimes. I know I am a cry baby. I know anger gets me no where. I know that you are more powerful than I ever dreamed. Melina you not only changed me. You are changing so many others. You makes us all live a little better.
I miss you Melina. I will always miss you more than life. I will spend the rest of my life wishing it was different. But I will always find your Joy. Even when I think I can’t. I will. I will laugh at your sassy nature. I will remember your daily demands. Your clothing tastes. At Target I will just put it in the cart. And on Friday’s Starbucks always wins. Melina you are better than this world has seen because you my baby girl are a miracle.
I will love you forever. To the moon and back and the stars. 11-15-15 will always be one of the best days of my life. Happy birthday baby girl, shine bright.