Miss You

How can you express how much you miss someone when the one person you want to say it to you cant. I can’t send the text. I can’t leave the message. I just sit in the absence. And I hate that.

This picture was one I recently found. This picture is a gift. It is literally a third of my heart. This moment is my forever now. That was our love. This girl was mine. This picture was from the first time she went to preschool. Three straight hours. Three hours and this was the love that greeted me. She leaped into my arms in the parking lot and wouldn’t let go. My sister was with me and all we could do was laugh “Melina let’s go” and she held tighter. I don’t think she had any plans on going back to school. And for this moment we left out that she had to.

It’s so crazy because the memories of these moments can crush me. Missing this love can drop me to my knees. It hurts in ways I pray no parent has to understand. This is the hurt that changes us. This is the hurt that forever makes us different.

I recently saw someone explain grief. Life prior to grief was a vase of water, clear. Grief was the food coloring dumped in. Black murky water is all that was left. However as time went on and “memories” were added the water clears. Never losing all the color, forever tinted, but clearer. I am Forever changed. Yet i should be. I have perspective now I never had before. I hold tighter to everything that matters. And I have no problem letting go of the noise that doesn’t.

Looking at this picture. My water was so clear. I had no idea this little beauty would be gone forever Nine months later. That’s it. She left me for three hours and missed her mommy. Nine months later I lost her forever and I miss her…for my forever.

Yet I started to look real close at this picture. And I laughed. Because my perspective is so different and Melina is always right. Right there in her most challenging moment at the time she was smiling. Melina found the Joy in the love. So while I hurt forever I will always love her more. And no matter how murky that water is her love will always clearly remind me of the Joy.

So today baby you win. My heart broke until I learned from you yet again. Joy always wins. No matter what pain we have the Joy is always there. And I will fight for my forever to choose Joy for you