Some people say grief is like waves. Some times it catches you off guard. Sometimes you can see it coming. Other times you brace until the moment passes.
While this is true and I agree, I feel like it doesn’t explain it well enough for me. Waves makes it sound like the grief comes and goes. The intensity does for sure. But grief has become my everyday. My big moments my small moments. Grief is a constant for us. The intensity can change but the emotion is always present.
I am starting to see how the grief is becoming more constant for my family. I am starting to see the aftermath of trauma. And that’s tough. It’s hard to watch the struggles that have become our life. I hear my girls praying to their little sister for support. Anytime I have tears in my eyes, their first question is “mommy are you sad about Melina”. I see how grief has affected our patience. The tolerance for the little things becomes less. We panic for our girls. Grief has become waves we always swim in.
This week we went to the beach. Anyone who knew Melina at the end knows that this was hard. All Melina wanted was to get to the beach. But her waves came too fast. 32 days didn’t give us time. 32 days just pummeled us. And when I walked on the beach for the first time I felt that wave. I wanted to quit and just run back to the hotel. But I can’t run from the waves. I have to live for two little beauties in front of me. I can’t run from my life. I owe them and Melina who is always with me.
So I cried in my beach chair. I’m sure I looked crazy, but the funny thing is you don’t care about the little stuff anymore. That just washes away. So I told my girls yes mommy is having her Melina moment. But when the intensity of the grief slowed down I grabbed their hands and I jumped in. Was this hard? Without a doubt. But I know in my heart the waves will never stop but the Joy is always in between. And for all three of my girls I jumped and felt the Joy.
Grief is more than waves for me. Grief is a part of my life. Grief will win in moments. And we are working to heal in the smaller moments and regain our patience and understanding. At the end of the week one of my most beautiful friends reminded me “This is your family’s life and you will always find the Joy together!” So the grief will always exist. The tough moments will still happen, but the Joy is even bigger if we choose to find it together!