This week has been beyond overwhelming. So much good. So much positivity. So much joy and so much love. Yet at the same time these days and weeks are so hard for me. I see all of this. I feel so many emotions, and then at the end of the day I just miss my baby.
There was a song I sang to all my girls at bedtime. It’s called I get to love you, by Ruelle. It was my favorite time. And Melina requested this song in the hospital. Melina couldn’t sing and neither could her mom, but it was always my moment. My moment with my girls. Today that song takes a whole new meaning for me.
There is a lyric that reads, “Whatever may come your heart I will choose.” And I know in my heart we never chose wrong. I know that we did right by her. And I know we always kept her best interest in our hearts. I loved her all the way through this horrible time. I just pray she felt every ounce of that love.
“When it’s too heavy to carry remember this moment with me.” I can remember laying in the hospital room in her totally tacky cheeto blanket singing this line. And I pray she remembers that moment. The moment that I would never leave her. The moment that I would have taken it all from her if I could. These are the thoughts that haunt you at times. Did I say it enough? Did I reassure her enough? Did I hold her long enough? Those thoughts can be torture. But… the song doesn’t stop there.
The song ends with “I get to love you.” And this is the part I remind myself everyday. No matter the pain I would take those four and half years again without question. I would take a lifetime of pain to get to love her. And I will always get to love her.
I am learning in the most wonderful/challenging times there is so much love. There is always her love and there is always her joy. Even at drive thru pasta there was so much joy. So as much as I ache, I know… I will choose you, I will carry you with me, and I will love you always. 💛💚🌈