Purpose

I’ve always been the internal optimist. The glass is always half full. We can always be thankful and grateful. And life can always be beautiful.
It’s hard these days. Do I see the beauty? Do I see the kindness? Do I feel the support? Absolutely. More than I can ever express. Ever.
But… Do I miss my baby? Do I watch my family struggle? Do I struggle? Absolutely. More than I can ever express. Ever.
So how does this all work? How do I find the optimism? How do I find the beauty when one of my most favorite people ever, literally a piece of me is missing?
I read this quote the other day. “We can not choose the pain but we can choose the purpose.” And it was the first time in awhile something clicked. I didn’t choose this. My family didn’t choose this. Melina certainly did not choose this. Actually we have found out her tumor was completely random, literally bad luck. But I can’t let her story stop at something bad. I can’t stop there.
But I can hope. I can hope and I can hurt. That’s pretty much my emotions right now. I hope for answers. I hope my girls leap off the bus with smiles. I hope for good moments. I hope for soccer goals. I hope for small things and big wishes. I hope she is proud of me. I hope she understands that I would give anything, anything to have her. And I hope she knows we are fighting.
I wouldn’t choose this pain ever. But I need to make it have a purpose. I need it to be the good. I need those smiles, good moments and those soccer goals. I need to feel we have the ability to move mountains. I need Melina. So my purpose needs to be bigger. So for today I will rest at the possibility of hope, the hurt of missing her, and somewhere in all that mess is her joy. I will always take her joy.